I am Chinese and it seems that I have always lived under the persistent prodding of my elders. From childhood, when I was urged to speak and walk, to my teenage years, when the pressure was on to study hard, and now, as an adult, to marry. It’s as if I am a train car constantly pushed forward along an invisible track. I can’t see it, but I must follow it nonetheless. If I deviate, at best I face relentless nagging from my parents; at worst, I am subject to harsh judgment from societal norms. This year, unfortunately, I’ve reached the age where the pressure to marry has come full force. And to make matters worse, I am still single.

The phrases I hear most often from my elders these days are, “When are you going to find someone? When will you get married?” These demands come at me like a tidal wave—so overwhelming and constant that I can barely withstand them. Even now, I still remember one line my father said to me: “If you don’t get married, you’re done for.” While I don’t actually agree with him, I’ve come to realize that this sentiment encapsulates the dire situation many unmarried and childless young adults face in today’s China. Intrigued, I embarked on my own research and investigation into the matter, in fulfilment of a research project that was part of my university degree. Using adverts on social media and ‘snow ball’ sampling, I recruited ten participants, five single young adults over the age of 25, like myself, facing the pressure to marry, and five parents with adult children of marriageable age. Obviously, it is not prudent to generalize from such a small sample, but, nevertheless, the findings may be indicative and seem consistent with what is known of wider trends.

In China, marriage is not seen as optional; it is essential. This was something my father instilled in me and was echoed by the parents I interviewed. Their views align with Confucian traditions and East Asian filial piety. For centuries, China’s culture of filial devotion has emphasized the authority of elders in family matters. This elder-centric, family-oriented system grants parents decision-making power in matters of lineage, such as marriage and reproduction (Liu, 2012). The importance placed on family and marriage is deeply ingrained in the cultural psyche, with the worship of fertility playing a pivotal role (Fei, 1992; Gui, 2020). As the old Chinese proverb goes, “Of all unfilial acts, failing to produce an heir is the worst.” Early marriage and childbirth are seen as acts of filial piety towards one’s parents and ancestors. Fei (1992, p. 122) historically points out that early marriage in China has been a tradition for thousands of years, elevating the status of parents and passing on the responsibility of family inheritance to the younger generation. As a result, unmarried individuals of marriageable age often face intense societal prejudice and shame in this fertility-worshipping culture.

During the interviews, the concept of “filial piety” emerged as a dominant theme. For many adult children, it represented the primary obstacle between their pursuit of individuality and their role as dutiful offspring. Participants frequently described how their decision-making autonomy was constrained by their parents’ often well-meaning but overbearing claims such as, “Everything we do is for your own good.” This rhetoric served as a shield for parents, allowing them to avoid accountability for mistakes and to maintain a position of authority over their children. This parental dominance, deeply embedded in the cultural framework of filial piety, provided a natural high ground for parents to assert control—a control that has persisted across generations.

For example, one parent participant reflected on how her own value was narrowly defined by her parents as being tied to marriage and family. She shared, “I felt awful at the time. My parents said they wouldn’t even look at me properly until I found another husband.” Despite this experience, she maintained that her children must marry, saying, “Am I filial? I don’t know, maybe not… Marriage inevitably comes with some difficulties… Sometimes I feel sorry, but as someone who has been through it, I feel I must teach my daughter that while marriage isn’t always happy, it is necessary.” When asked why marriage was necessary, she admitted her inability to provide a clear answer, instead pointing to the lessons instilled by previous generations and the continuation of these traditions.

Marriage is often regarded as the “right” thing to do (Yarhouse & Seymore, 2003). My research revealed that while some parents did not explicitly demand absolute obedience, they still expected their daughters to conform to traditional roles. Even parents who had personally experienced the constraints and challenges of traditional expectations often perpetuated these same norms. Ironically, they became enforcers of heterosexual norms, leveraging parental authority to ensure compliance. Some parents went to great lengths to influence their children’s marital decisions, arranging blind dates, screening potential partners, providing advice, and even directly intervening.

Yet, unlike in the past, parents today no longer wield absolute authority. Economic and societal changes have eroded their ability to unilaterally dictate their children’s destinies. Nevertheless, they continue to rely on persuasion, nagging, crying, and even threats to pressure their children into aligning with their expectations. This cycle of perpetuating traditional values, despite personal grievances, underscores the enduring strength of cultural norms surrounding marriage and family in contemporary society.

In this era of individuality and diversity, I’ve begun to realize that the interpretation of “you’ll be doomed if you don’t get married” has transcended the traditional framework of marriage. Many adult children, when confronted with patriarchal norms and heterosexual expectations, have demonstrated a stronger sense of autonomy. By developing diverse coping strategies, they are defending their right to choose and exercising their personal agency. Although parents still wield significant influence in marriage decisions, modern young people retain the ultimate say. They engage in negotiation and compromise, no longer passively accepting parental arrangements, but instead working in collaboration to shape these decisions. Ultimately, while marriage still carries its weight of social pressure, I don’t believe I’ll be doomed if I don’t marry. The world is in a state of flux, with all frameworks being redefined. The meaning of happiness is also being reimagined—not limited to a marriage certificate, but by building more flexible and diverse intimate relationships that shape the quality of our lives.